Let's go to campus

We are in some not so classy restaurant in the heart of the city in the sun, Nairobi. In the midst of the ongoing El-Niño rains, the sun has shown its face perhaps a bit jealous of all the attention that’s been going to the season. She caught many by surprise, ladies downed in their denims and leather boots and men with those spear shaped umbrellas and heavy duty leather jackets. I couldn’t help but smile at how the weather had many fooled, there’s an aroma of burning leather in the air, add some aromat to it and you have a meal. You literally add it to anything and it’s a meal, my pal Ken boils some old leather shoes adds aromat and has his dogs chewing noisily on them.

Sitting across the table is my date, clad in a close fitting but snug orange dress and a chain length bead necklace with a fist size silver pendant. The type of necklaces that are popular with campus chiqs. But don’t be fooled, she’s not your average campus girl, not the type that are constantly on your phone asking for a Friday plot. And definitely not the type you invite on a date and she turns up an hour late with her gang of friends who hold no reservations when it comes to make up, you are even convinced that joker from batman is hiding in there somewhere. My date, hiding behind some red rimmed glasses with some faint tint of purple is chatting playfully while stirring her startella and caramel blended ice-cream. I am intently fighting the tint trying to make eye contact, she must notice because she pulls off her glasses and places them on the table. And she has these gorgeous eyes that resemble a Child's, so clear and milky white unlike mine that are 50 shades of red. I am having mars and Oreo Ice-cream and she keeps stealing scoops from my cup while laughing it off casually. She’s quite a character. 

She stole me from class and that’s how we end up on a date. We have so much in common except some track she send me in the name of music, till now I cannot figure out if she had the motive to torture me to death with it. Hanging out with her is so much fun; I am enchanted by her brilliance. She is quite ambitious and a dreamer. By her informed comments you can tell she is into reading, the good kind of reading (informative as well as purposeful). A mature head on young shoulder, she is a living proof that indeed girls do mature faster than boys. At her age I am even embarrassed to say what was going on in my mind, while her, she’s already contemplating a smooth retire without financial stringencies.

It became a bit clear why girls go for older guys; their intellect and needs are a bit advanced for guys their age. The difference between the two is like the opposite sides of the crocodile infested waters of the Nile. Trying to bridge that gap is a fatal risk, although there is greener pastures once you cross over, so many are lost in this endeavour. My point being guys don’t get bitter, we are not ready anyway, trust me.

That being said, there are some exemptions. And they are quite common; the second reason girls go for older guys. Do I see a hand? Anyone know the answer?? Off course we are all thinking it, and damn right you are, it’s all about finances. Ladies look at their peers, playful characters whose only weapon is charm (needless to say, it quickly disappears without a fat wallet after draining the HELB account) and some silly jokes. The girls have already locked them out even before they get a chance to ask them out. Sipping on some nasty tasting liquor which has to be forced down (wash down is quite an overstatement) with some carbonated beverage is mostly if not all these poor chaps have to offer. Their idea of fun is drinking themselves to a stupor on a Friday night and getting quick shag. Maybe once or twice these girls have fallen for that trick, but eventually the novelty and the fun of it soon dies down.

Soon you (they guys) are being avoided like a plague. The ideas the ladies have for clubbing and partying are too far fetched for your starved wallet. And that is how your find yourself in gangs of six or more drowning your sorrows in devils piss. Complaining and lamenting how your classmates have turned to the oldest profession. But who can blame them, future you couldn’t even hang out with you in that state. But in the state you are in, a world of your own, nothing really can come between you and the pleasure you are deriving from the bottle. Well nothing except for an ugly girl you make out with at some point in the night, it’s no surprise she is equally wasted. You are convinced she’s pretty as a goddess until you hook up with her the next day. It all begins to make sense, the line in every alcohol commercial about alcohol impairing your judgement.

It’s not all downhill from here. Actually this is one of the most exciting faces in a guy’s life. You’ve heard this saying by ladies that you never forget your first? Well, you never forget your campus life either. It’s that point in life where you let out the inner beast in you, the untamed, hairy chest, barbaric and macho man out. You are a rebel, you can spend nights out and hook up with chiqs above your league and all this squeezed into a budget of ksh.1000. All you have is character and some cheeky pick up lines. Speaking of pick up lines, this guy Moses from the office, always fast to control find his name to see if he features in the blog before he reads has one for you. He walks up to lady and asks,

Moses: when is the funeral? And the lady confused is like what funeral?

 Moses: You have killed so many with your beauty.

Lady: what a jerk! (Pours a glass of whatever she was sipping on into Moses’ face and walks away)

Hehe I am so evil

 The problem with pick up lines is that they really never play out how you imagine them. It’s like a scene and you are the only one with a script, it won’t play out. So don’t do it Moses, just don’t. But I promise to finish off with one that actually works, make that two am in awesome mood.

 And who would forget that heartfelt victory when you got that girl from the club to your hostel. A Masai Moran may have just put a lion down with nothing but a dagger, but he can’t match up that feel, not as far as you are concerned. You run the world; you even blandish yourself the new sheriff in town. Such silly moments of joy elicit a totally different reaction from the female fraternity. You will be called immature & silly especially when you high five to such an accomplishments.

And it is such moments you should savour, enjoy them while they last. Soon it will be you, god forbid, driving around campus in sleek vehicles picking up these girls. There’s plenty of time to make money, just don’t lose your front tooth in your endeavours, Kamiti I hope you read this. Remain ambitious, be a responsible drinker and shout the streets of Nairobi for it’s your time. They might try to whisper for you to lower your voice, to be modest, and it is to them that you will raise one eye brow in Dwayne Johnson fashion, make the meanest face and shout IT DOESN’T MATER WHAT YOU WANT. And damn right it doesn’t, so go out there and take the night. Live while you are young.

Some advice for the ladies.

If you are a lady in campus or some university college (or college university whichever excites) and you’re looking to date an older guy please make yourself interesting. Read some books, have your own stand on issues not just going with whatever the guy says. Don’t let canoodling be the only thing you can bring to the table, occasionally one should enjoy a good chat. I am just from a call with a campus chiq who insists on long dull content-less conversations before she sleeps. The only thing we have to discuss is how she is shivering in bed and our conversations are filled with long uncomfortable pauses and forced laughs. It’s really a nightmare, having to hum to communicate. I feel like I have teleported back to the days before the homo-pithecus discovered speech.  So gather some knowledge, be passionate about something it will do you both some good.

Meanwhile it is getting dark outside, and my date is still recovering, trying to catch her breath. I just narrated of the time I attended a wrong lecture for two hours before I realized I was in the wrong class. And I still do mix classes but she is my guardian angel, always there to direct me to the right class. And I am happy of the decisions she is taking in life, the life she is choosing for herself.  Although I haven’t known her for long I already know this will be one interesting friendship. I walk her to some convenient distance near her hostel and we part ways. I turn back to watch her go, and a smirk cuts across my face. And guys it’s not only for her impressive rear but because any guy would be lucky to have her. Way to go girl.

Pick up artist.

Class sees a girl standing or sitting clearly waiting for someone. Class walks over

Class: Hey...

Lady: (abit shy) Hey

Class: He is not coming (smiling)

A playful argument ensues, from here the convo takes any course you lead it.

Case 2. Class walks over to a girl

Class: excuse me but this is a no smocking zone.

Lady: but am not smocking

Class: (with a silly smile on his face) yes you are :-)

Class introduces himself.